Women as Alien

 

I love women. I really do. I don’t know what it is about them. It’s not really their smell or their look, it’s more the way they act.  That’s the thing about women.  Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.  Women. They can drive you crazy. They really can.

As for myself, I’ve been in love with about twenty women. Or even thirty. I just can’t get enough of them. I really can’t. The thing is, I always fall for the ones that I shouldn’t. I’m an idiot when it comes to love, if you want to know the truth. If you don’t believe me, just take a look for yourself.

 

 

RUTH

I don’t remember much about Ruth. She wasn’t very memorable, if you want to know the truth. She was kind of pretty, I think. And smart too, but not too smart. To tell you the truth, she could have been dumb as a toilet seat for all I remember. Nothing really sticks out, you know? She just kind of sat behind a desk at her office and did paperwork, and no one ever noticed her. But I loved her. I really did.

Ruth baked just about the best fish sticks you ever tasted. I don’t really like fish sticks. I kind of hate them, if you want to know the truth. But Ruth’s fish sticks were superb, I have to admit. After we met, she used to invite me over for fish stick every once in a while. That’s when she’d get kind of weird in the head. She’d say things like “You’re such a handsome boy” and “You have excellent forehead structure.” Then she would suddenly remember that she had an appointment somewhere, and she’d rush out of the house and leave me alone with her daughter. I think she wanted me to mate with her daughter. I really do. Something to do with genetics.

Anyway, Ruth is gone now. She never really liked living in a man’s world. “Hell’s bells,” she’d say, “I hate living in a man’s world.” I’d ask her why, but she never really gave me much of an answer. I think she just felt as though she could never get ahead in life, like she was forced to play a game with rules that someone else made up. Like this one time, I played Monopoly with my sister Phoebe, and she made up a bunch of rules and really didn’t tell me what they were. It wasn’t much fun. I think that’s how Ruth felt.

After a while she ended up leaving Earth with a bunch of aliens. She really did.

She took her daughter with her too. I bet she’s trying to get some aliens to mate with her right this very second. Poor alien bastards. But I wish Ruth and her daughter all the best on their new planet. I really do.

 

 

TEO

I remember one time, I was walking to the store to buy a magazine, and I found this Asian woman on the sidewalk. Her name was Teo, and she was a beaut, a real looker, even if she couldn’t stand up. She was always doing things like that, falling down and bumping into things. It killed me. It turns out she had a bum brain. She really did.

I helped her up off of the sidewalk and took her back to my parent’s place, and we had a big supper and everything. And just as we finished dessert these government bastards came knocking at our door. It turns out Teo wasn’t just any ordinary woman, she was actually the Minister of something-or-other. Very big government-type. Primo-important.

Teo loved her job and everything, but she really hated getting followed around by those damn security bastards. They were always telling her “Don’t do that, Minister,” or “Don’t touch that, Minister” or “Don’t go there, Minister.” It drove her nuts. So anyway, from time to time she would run away and pretend to be normal, although it was tough, on account of her bum brain. She’d seize up and fall over and have to wait for someone to help her. But it was worth it, she would tell me. It’s kind of like that movie, Roman Holiday. I don’t like movies. I really hate them, if you want to know the truth, but I guess Roman Holiday wasn’t so bad. It’s about this princess who gets sick of all the attention and runs away and becomes an ordinary person for a while. That was Teo.

Anyway, now Teo has a cerebellum transplant, so she doesn’t fall down so much anymore. Imagine that, having a chunk of someone else’s brain shoved into your skull. I guess the donor guy was going to die anyway, but still. Imagine if he continued to live on inside of her head. It’s like some sort of weird math equation: two incomplete people equals one complete person. I hate math.

So Teo has her health now, which is good. She also still has those security bastards following her around, which is not so good. They never let me see her when I go to visit, they just turn me around and send me back home. But she still sends me a nice Christmas card every year. I guess she still feels alone, even with a chunk of someone else’s brain inside her head. I feel bad for her. I really do.

 

SALLY

I met Sally at Charlie’s Diner. She was a waitress there. She used to serve me chocolate cream pie, which was just about the best damn chocolate cream pie you could ever imagine. It really was.

Sally was pretty nice. She was probably the nicest person that I knew, if you want to know the truth. She was very considerate and everything, and treated everyone like they were equal, even if they had some disgusting physical deformity. One time, this blue alien came in, and she was the only one who was nice to him. Everyone else was scared or intimidated or whatever, but not Sally. She went right up to him and took his order, just like he was anybody. I don’t know why everyone else didn’t like him. It was like racism I guess, only with aliens instead of black people.

Anyway, after a while Sally got depressed at the world and stopped trying to be so nice. When you’re surrounded by downers all day, I guess you just can’t help but feel a little down yourself. That’s probably why she’s in the nuthouse now. I guess she just couldn’t take it. Now all she does is sit in her cell and draw pictures of blue men. Last week she mailed me one. Here it is:

I preferred her the way she was before. Certain things, they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know that’s impossible, but it’s too bad anyway. I loved her. I really did.

 

JANET

I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life.  It’s awful.  If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera.  It’s terrible. But this next story that I’m going to tell you is the absolute truth. Honest to God. It really is.

One time, I met this lady named Janet Evasdaughter. She was a beaut, a real looker. She had just gotten out of a talk show or something, and passed me on the sidewalk. I guess she was attracted to me because of my raw animal magnetism or something, because she stopped me right there on the sidewalk and asked me to go back to her home with her. I said sure, and we left.

She lived in a place called Whileaway. It was kind of like Earth, I suppose, only everything was totally different. First of all, there were no men. None. Nada. Everyone was a woman. Most of them were real lookers too, if you want to know the truth, on account of genetic engineering and all. Everyone lived in big family, and I guess they were a little bit like communists, except they were really pretty. All of their names were different too. Like, back home, people were called “Robertson” or “MacNeill.” But here, there were all “Bernadettesdaughter” and “Mollyssecondcousinswife” and things like that. And the weirdest thing is, they worshipped God, but He was a She, if you catch my drift. I guess that’s okay, but it kind of threw me for a loop at first. It really did.

When I first got to Whileaway, I was really worried. I didn’t care about the man-killing plague or the insects or anything like that. I was worried about sex, if you want to know the truth. In my mind, I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw. I really am. I figured these women would be tripping over themselves to hop into bed with me, but they weren’t. In fact, they kind of treated me like a pest, like some sort of gnat or something. But I didn’t mind so much. Sex is something I really don’t understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it — the same night, as a matter of fact. I spent the whole night necking with a terrible phony named Anne Louise Sherman. Sex is something I just don’t understand. I swear to God I don’t. 

Anyway, after a while I got kind of fed up on Whileaway. Actually, it kind of freaked me out, if you want to know the truth. So I left. I really did.

 

 

HELENA

You probably remember Helena Johnson. She was that old lady who saved the earth. She was on TV for pretty much four months straight, and everyone always pays attention to what’s on TV. They really do.

Helena had a pretty tough life. She always lived according to other people, trying to make other people happy. She took care of her family, and put up with her louse of a boss, and always let people trample all over her. And then, when she got old, her family stuck her away in some musty old nursing home in Phoenix Arizona. Funny that the person who saved the planet should be from Phoenix. Just like the mythical bird, rising from the ashes. Kind of poetic, if you want to know the truth.

The thing is, all those years that Helena was getting trampled on, bad feelings kept building up inside of her. I guess everyone is lucky that she got fed up with it all, and she wouldn’t let the aliens boss her around. She finally stood up for herself, and I guess that’s just about the best thing a person can do. Still, I’m surprised that she bothered to save the planet at all. Sometimes I feel like we don’t deserve it. I really do.

I loved that old dame, even before I met her. I proposed marriage to her through the mail. I sent her a ring and everything, solid silver. Then I took the airplane and flew up to meet her. I’m crazy. I swear to God I am. 

What she didn’t understand is that I wasn’t really being serious. I mean, she’s really old, and I’m just a young adult, a kid really, with my whole life ahead of me. I was sorry as hell I’d kidded her. Some people you shouldn’t kid, even if they deserve it. She cried and cried and cried. It was depressing as hell, so I left. I really did.

She’s dead now, I guess. Or maybe she’s not. I’m not really sure what happened to her, if you want to know the truth. She wasn’t on the news after that, so who knows?

* * *

That’s all I’m going to tell about. I could probably tell you about some other girls, like the one who gave birth to minnows, or the vegetable woman who grew from seeds, but I don’t feel like it. I really don’t. That stuff doesn’t interest me too much right now.   

James Tiptree, Jr., The Women Men Don’t See
Molly Gloss, Interlocking Pieces
Nancy Kress, Out of All Them Bright Stars
Joanna Russ, A Few Things I Know About Whileaway
Lisa Goldstein, Midnight News  

*Special thanks to J.D.S. for invaluable assistance in the composition of this week’s posting.*